The BATFE's New "Arms" Testing

 by Carl Bussjaeger, December 15, 2009

Warning: Adult Content

Regular readers may be aware of my disdain for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. But every time I start thinking that they cannot possibly get worse -- in scope, that is; they get worse in scale every day -- they do.

One could make this stuff up, but why bother when you have the BATFE to do it for real? Ladies and gentlemen, I present Russell Vanderwerf, director of industry operations for the BATFE's Houston field office:

Federal gun regulator accused of damaging Metairie hotel room

Do go read that article, but allow me to summarize the "damage". While in the New Orleans area on "official business", our intrepid fed checked into a hotel, disabled the smoke alarm in his suite, removed the bedroom door, installed a glory hole, and opened the suite door for some sweet business.

Really. Vanderwerf apparently travels with a portable glory hole.

The scenario was actually discovered when the fire alarm technician, who was called in to troubleshoot a malfunction, tracked the problem to Vanderwerf's suite. However, another guest had complained to the front desk about "young men" entering and exiting. The guest also complained of hearing "sex noises" coming from the room."

Young men; plural. Did Vanderwerf post a craigslist ad or something?

OK, OK. What a guy does on his own time is his... business, I suppose. And to his credit, he apparently intended to fix the damage, as he had fix-it supplies on hand. But then I saw this:

"We are aware of the arrest by the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office," said [ATF spokesman Drew] Wade, who added that he could not discuss anything that could be connected to a continuing investigation.

Wait. What? This is a "continuing investigation"? Vanderwerf was conducting an investigation?

As you might expect, jokes are already circulating around the Internet; typically something along the lines of "The ATF is now inspecting short-arms along with the firearms". I suppose the geniuses at the Technical Branch will be inspecting and evaluating hookers next. Maybe they will actually videotape that testing (they still refuse to record firearms testing).

It could be that the bureau's acronym will need a little updating. Hey, if they're really into the weird stuff, they could stop stomping pets to death, and indulge (shudder) in a little beastiality.

Yeah: Beastiality, Anal Testing, Fellatio, and Exhibitionism. Your tax dollars at work.