Live (for now) with Larry the Lobster
By Carl Bussjaeger, 1999

HOST: Good day. Today we'll be visiting with noted philanthropist Larry the Lobster, of Jefferson City, Missouri. For those of you unaware of Larry's current situation, he is presently the focus of a high school fundraiser benefiting the Special Olympics. Specifically, students are making donations to vote on whether or not Larry lives, or whether he goes swimming in boiling water.

Naturally, this has come to the attention of People Eating Tasty Anim... Oops, wrong PETA.

I guess that would be People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Anyway, we've kept Larry waiting long enough. Hi, Larry; how're you doing today?

LARRY:

HOST: Um, Larry?

LARRY:

HOST: Okay, this may be a little tougher than we thought. Despite the beliefs of PETA (the ethical ones), lobsters are not sapient beings. In fact, the crustaceans are basically brainless, oversized, salt water insects.

I'll just have to make some close observations, and do a little creative interpretation of Larry's... er, thoughts.

So, Larry. How do you feel about PETA coming to your rescue?

LARRY: I'm overjoyed, of course. It so refreshing to realize that there are humans out there who will place lobsters ahead of their own race. [whispering] But just between you and me, I have my doubts about this when considering the effects on humanity's evolutionary fitness. Do you people really let them breed? "Evolution in action," I suppose.

HOST: How did PETA come to learn of your plight, Larry?

LARRY: Through the good offices of two concerned students. One, a Miss Melissa Petty, summed it up so well: "It's wrong to vote on whether a living thing should die. You wouldn't do that with a furry cat or a bunny rabbit or a dog." I'm so glad that she could put her mammalian prejudices behind her, and understand that creatures with complex brains allowing at least limited self awareness have no more rights than... well, me, a guy with a minimal nervous system suited only to basic preprogrammed reaction to sensory stimuli. Frankly, I have to admit that we lobsters are not very bright. Why, I've been told that even some FBI agents have higher IQs.

HOST: Really? FBI agents?

LARRY: Well, one or two.

HOST: Huh. Well, moving on. Larry, while I can understand your desire to live, have you thought about all those children who participate in the Special Olympics? Don't they have any rights? Your situation does benefit them, of course.

LARRY: Oh really, sir. As PETA has explained, my right to life outweighs some stupid kids' right to additional funds for recreation programs. And when you add in the adverse impact on the feelings of students who find this all in poor taste...

HOST: Quite so, Larry. I don't like the taste of lobster either.

LARRY: Oh, please...

HOST: Sorry. Couldn't resist. What are your plans if PETA is successful in springing you?

LARRY: Currently, they hope to have me released back into the wild, my natural habitat. I'll be released into the Atlantic.

HOST: I understand you've been in capativity for a while. Will you have any trouble readapting?

LARRY: I think not. But I suppose I could get PETA to spring for adaptation classes. They do it for cetaceans. Hmm. I heard that your president is calling for increases in educational spending. Maybe some of that money could go to lobster training.

HOST: Perhaps. But we'd hate to waste the investment.

LARRY: What do you mean?

HOST: You did hear about the seals we spent $80,000 rehabilitating after the Exxon Valdez incident?

LARRY: Nnnnooo...

HOST: Yep. All that time, all that money. Set 'em free at a big press conference. And not five minutes later... snap Gone. Eaten by a killer whale.

So what are lobsters main predators?

LARRY: I don't feel so well...

HOST: I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. So PETA has your life plans arranged. Are they planning anything to salve the hurt feelings of the students?

LARRY: I'm not entirely sure of their plans, not being very good at complex thought; but I understand that a Mr. Bruce Friedrich of PETA said they are looking into possible legal action. He said... Now where are my notes? Ah! Could you read this for me? Lobster eyes are pretty minimal, too.

HOST: Sure, Larry. "We are looking into whether it's a violation of the civil rights of students who find this morally objectionable."

LARRY: Thank you. I think this would be a wonderful legal precedent to establish. Just think- No longer would you have to simply choose not to participate in something to which you object. The good people at PETA have recognized that you have a right to shut down anything which you find offensive. That your right to be unoffended outweighs all other rights. No longer will you have to fret about those horrible but legal things that no one is making you do.

HOST: Hmm. But what about people who find PETA's denigration of humanity in defense of nonsapient critters offensive?

LARRY: What? Um... [checking watch] Oh, dear. Look at the time. Must be going!

HOST: Larry, lobsters don't wear watches. But still, I suppose we are out of time. Let's get you back into your tank, and shipped back to the school. Upsy daisy!

LARRY: Hey, wait a minute. That isn't my aquarium...

HOST: Um, yeah, right... Er, your aquarium broke. We got ya this new metal one.

LARRY: Whoa! That water's steaming...

HOST: Um, forget it. That's just the jacuzzi option. In ya go!

LARRY: NO! I Don't wanna...

HOST: Now where's that butter? What? We're still live?

Folks, I'd like to thank Larry for coming over for the interview and dinner. I especially appreciate him explaining how rights aren't just for sapient beings.

Bye.